God’s Good Gift of Singleness

Note: the following post was first delivered as a sermon at Riveroaks Reformed Presbyterian Church in January 2024.

First Corinthians 7 is one of the key passages of the New Testament that deals with the topic of singleness and marriage. I’ve been intending to preach on this chapter for quite a while, for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the experience of prolonged singleness was a big part of my own story. On the one hand, my unmarried years were a season of spiritual growth and self-understanding, for which I’m grateful; but on the other hand, that season also brought with it a lot of struggles, as I know is the case for many singles in the church.

Another reason that I’ve been meaning to preach on this passage is because there’s so much confusion today in evangelical churches over how to make sense of both singleness and marriage. We see the demographic trends around us. We see a growing number of singles, both inside and outside the church, and we want to care for them, but we don’t always know how to care for them well. Likewise, when it comes to marriage, our society has almost completely lost touch with the basic realities of God’s design for marriage. And as the younger generation of believers is relentlessly exposed to the indoctrinating forces of secular culture—which tells them that marriage is nothing more than a public validation of the individual pursuit of emotional and sexual fulfillment—we are finding it harder and harder to train our kids to even recognize what marriage is, let alone how to pursue it well.

Now although I will have quite a few things to say about marriage today, my focus will mostly be on what the apostle Paul has to say about singleness. So if you’ve never been married, or if you’re divorced, or if you’re widowed—I especially had you in mind as I was preparing this sermon. But even if you are married, today’s message will still be relevant for you, so that you can be better equipped to care for the unmarried loved ones in your life and in this congregation. So here is our text:

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:1-9)

As some of you know, I used to be an Arabic translator in the Navy. And in the years since that time, I’ve tried to find ways to use my prior language training in ministry. So a few years ago I took a couple of trips to the Middle East, where we did outreach to Syrian refugees. Now for any of you who have ever done overseas missions before, you’ve probably experienced the reality of culture clash. It often happens that different cultures have radically different values and expectations, so that what might be considered perfectly normal and acceptable in one culture could be perceived as quite strange or even offensive in another culture.

An example of this would be my experience of being asked by complete strangers the personal details of my marital status. You see, I was still a bachelor when I took my trips to the Middle East. Now it so happens that in Arab culture, it’s considered good manners not to refer to a first-time acquaintance by their first name. Instead, you refer to them by the name of their firstborn child. In Arabic, this is called the kunya. The kunya is where you use the title Abu for “father” or Um for “mother,” followed by the name of their firstborn child. So, for example, now that I have kids, my kunya would be “Abu Esther”—meaning father of Esther—and my wife’s kunya would be “Um Esther”— meaning mother of Esther. But since I was still single and without kids when I visited the Middle East, I didn’t yet have a kunya.

And so, on various occasions, whether I was in conversation with a merchant, or a tour guide, or a taxicab driver, I would often get the same three questions in the same order:

Question #1: “Abu who?” In other words, they were asking me for my kunya, so they would know how to politely address me. And in response, I would say something like, “Oh I’m single; I don’t have any kids.” That would generally lead to a brief pause and a look of confusion on their face, followed by…

Question #2: “How old are you?” And I would tell them that I was in my mid-thirties. And that would lead to another pause, and a look of even greater confusion, followed by…

Questions #3: “What’s wrong with you?”

Now I experienced that same line of questioning numerous times while I was in the Middle East. The first time I heard it, I was a little bit offended, and I didn’t say it out loud but I thought, “Wow, you really don’t know how to sugar-coat it, do you?” But after hearing this same line of questioning on several more occasions, I came to realize, OK, this must be a cultural difference between Arabs and Westerners.

And it turns out that it is. Prolonged singleness is very much looked down upon in Middle Eastern culture. In fact, there’s a common proverb in Islam, which says, “Marriage is half of religion.”

Now that’s quite different from the prevailing attitude in the West. We generally don’t value marriage nearly as much as we used to, and arguably not nearly as much as we ought to. And this is borne out by the latest statistics. The birth rate in the U.S. is now at an all-time low—well under the population replacement level. And the marriage rate is also at an all-time low. In fact, the average age of first marriage is now approaching 30 years old. Now as someone who got married at the age of 37, I can tell you, that’s not a good thing. Now it’s not that prolonged singleness is wrong per se, and in individual cases there may be good reasons for it, but when an entire society adopts attitudes and habits that tend toward its own decimation, then something has gone seriously wrong.

So, what do we do about it? Well, as Christians, our first step should be to look to God’s Word. We need to understand both marriage and singleness in the light of Christ. It’s only when we are first rooted in a proper understanding of Scripture that we can then properly address the challenges of marriage and singleness both inside and outside the church today.

So let’s consider what Paul has to say here in 1 Corinthians 7. Now this passage can be a bit confusing, and there’s no shortage of debates among Christians over how to interpret all of the details here. But I do want to push back against some common misreadings of this chapter. It’s sometimes argued that Paul is saying that singleness should be the norm for the church, and that marriage should be the exception. Historically, there have been some churches that even took Paul’s advice on singleness as a duty, and they imposed a rule of celibacy on their entire community. Needless to say, those churches aren’t around anymore.

A more common approach, especially among evangelicals today, is to say that, according to Paul, choosing between marriage and singleness is morally neutral—just a matter of individual preference, like choosing between different career paths. But I think this approach is wrongheaded too.

Instead, I want to make a case for the historic Protestant interpretation of this chapter. And the argument is this: singleness is the ideal, but marriage is the norm. In other words: under certain circumstances, singleness may indeed be preferable, but marriage should be the default. Now that might sound a bit puzzling at first, but I believe that understanding this truth is the key to honoring Christ both in singleness and in marriage.

So let me explain. First, let’s unpack the meaning of singleness as the ideal. Paul repeatedly makes this point throughout the chapter. In verse 7, he says, “I wish that all were as I myself am.” And in the very next verse, his advice to widows and the unmarried is that they remain single, as he is. Later in this chapter, Paul explains why. He points out that those who marry will have worldly troubles, and have divided interests. When you’re single, you’re anxious about how to please the Lord, but when you’re married, you’re anxious about how to please your spouse. Now although there’s nothing sinful about choosing marriage, it’s pretty clear where Paul’s own preferences lie. He wants us to understand that singleness really is better for those who are able and willing. It enables wholehearted devotion and service for God’s kingdom.

By way of example, let me point to four influential Christians from the past century:

First, there was Lilias Trotter, a British missionary to Algeria. Although she was an exceptionally talented artist in her younger years, Trotter decided not to pursue a career in painting, so that she could bring the gospel to North Africa. Her story has been told in a recent documentary film called Many Beautiful Things.

Second, there was J. Gresham Machen, who was instrumental in the founding of both Westminster Theological Seminary, and also our sister denomination, the Orthodox Presbyterian Church. Machen also wrote one of the best 20th-century critiques of liberal theology, called Christianity and Liberalism.

Third, there was the Dutch Christian author and Holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom. You might know her from her autobiography, The Hiding Place, which tells the story of how she would hide Jews from the Nazis during World War 2, but was eventually caught and sent to a concentration camp, and yet lived to tell the tale.

And fourth, there was John Stott, an evangelical Anglican priest and a prolific author. At the height of his influence a couple decades ago, some people said that if evangelicals could elect their own pope, it would be John Stott.

Trotter, Machen, Ten Boom, and Stott. What do all of these believers have in common? They never married. And arguably it was because of their singleness that they were able to accomplish such great things for the kingdom of God. So if you are currently single—whether by choice or by circumstance—I want to encourage you to consider your singleness as an opportunity to better serve God’s kingdom. As a single person, you probably have two things that married folks generally don’t: time and freedom. But it’s important that you treat your singleness as a means, not an end. Jesus makes this point in Matthew 19. Jesus says that some people make themselves eunuchs—that is, they deliberately choose the single life—for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. But if singleness isn’t oriented toward a kingdom purpose, it can begin to feel more like a burden than a blessing. So ask yourself, how are you using your singleness? What does your singleness allow you to do for the sake of the gospel, which you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do if you were married?

Now for a lot of you who are unmarried, I know that my words here might ring hollow. You’ve probably already heard this before from your married friends. You may have been told that you don’t realize how good you actually have it, or that marriage is really hard too—which is true. And maybe you’ve already tried to find ways of using your singleness for the sake of ministry, but it still feels more like a burden than a blessing. If that’s you, I want to reassure you that what you feel is normal. Your frustration with the unmarried life is not a sign of moral failure. It’s a sign that you are simply wired the way that God has wired the vast majority of people, which is to have a natural longing for marriage.

And this brings me to my second point: although singleness is the ideal, marriage is the norm—it’s humanity’s default setting. Now it may at first be harder to see that truth from what Paul says here, but let me explain by using an illustration. Imagine that we lived in a world where a small minority of people were gifted with the ability to not need sleep. They could function perfectly well 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without ever getting tired or fatigued. I think we would all agree that that would be a great blessing for those people, right? I mean, think of how much more productive they could be with all that extra time! And from a gospel perspective, think of how much more they could accomplish for the sake of God’s kingdom! We might even wish that everyone could have such a gift. But what would happen if we tried imposing that special gift as the rule for most people? What if we required people to go without sleep, even when they didn’t possess the extraordinary ability to do so? How do you think that would turn out in practice? Probably not very well. Because the reality is that most people are just not wired that way. Most of us need sleep. It’s our natural, created design. So while sleeplessness might be the ideal, a regular sleep cycle is still the norm.

I want to argue that marriage is the same way. From the beginning, before sin entered into the world, it was not good for the man to be alone. God commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, and the means of achieving that goal was through marriage. And the Fall hasn’t changed that basic design pattern. God hasn’t lifted the command to be fruitful and multiply, which is why we call marriage a creation ordinance. Now there will come a time when that command will be lifted, but that’s only when Jesus comes back. As we are told in Matthew 22, at the resurrection people will no longer marry or be given in marriage, but instead will be like the angels in heaven. But we’re not at that point yet, and it’s not our job to jumpstart that process. In the meantime, we are still called to honor God’s original design for marriage. Now of course, that’s not to say that marriage is a duty imposed on every individual, as Paul clearly points out. Paul himself was single, after all. There are uniquely gifted exceptions, but that’s precisely how we should see it—as the exception, not the rule.

Notice what Paul says in verse 7: “each has his own gift from God.” Paul personally wishes that everyone could be single as he is, but he also recognizes that it’s a gift that isn’t given to everyone. So we need to make a distinction between singleness and the gift of singleness. Just because you’re single, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gifted for it. That’s why on other occasions, Paul treats marriage as the norm. Notice his instructions to young widows in 1 Tim. 5. He tells them that they should marry, bear children, and manage their households. Likewise, when Paul lists the qualifications for church officers in 1 Tim. 3, he says that an elder should be the husband of one wife and that he should manage his household well. Now I don’t think that necessarily means that every elder has to be married—otherwise I was breaking that rule for most of my time on staff here at Riveroaks—but Paul does regard marriage as the default setting.

And this is the way that marriage has historically been understood in the Reformed tradition. Just see what the Larger Catechism says about the 7th commandment, concerning adultery. Among the duties required by the 7th commandment, it requires marriage for “those that have not the gift of continency”—or, as we would put it today, the gift of celibacy. And among the sins forbidden by the 7th commandment, it forbids “the undue delay of marriage.” In other words, singleness is not morally neutral. Unless you have the special gift for singleness, it would be wrong not to pursue marriage. And by the way, Martin Luther estimated that only one in a thousand have that special gift. Now that’s probably an exaggeration, but it’s still true that most of the singles in the church today ought to be encouraged to pursue marriage.

So I know that all of this raises several questions by way of application. Let me first address the million-dollar question that I suspect all of our singles have asked themselves at some point: “How do I know if I’m called to singleness?” In other words, how do you know whether you have the special gift for singleness that Paul talks about?

Well I would suggest asking yourself this question: can you honestly say the same words that Paul himself says in verse 7: “I wish that all were as I myself am”? If you have the gift of singleness, then you will experience an abiding sense of contentment, combined with a sense of meaning and purpose to your singleness. If that describes you, then consider yourself blessed—you have something that most believers do not have. Godliness with contentment is great gain, and I would encourage you to steward your gift well.

However, keep in mind that there’s a crucial difference between contentment and resignation. Resignation is despair masquerading as contentment. It’s the heart’s self-protective response to past hurts and disappointments. Now if you’re tempted toward resignation, then I’d encourage you to meditate on that quote by C.S. Lewis at the beginning of your worship guide:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

You need to recognize that openness to God’s gift of marriage will make you vulnerable to being hurt. And in the modern world of dating, heartbreak is a very high likelihood, and very few people get it right on their first attempt. But the proper response to hurt and disappointment is not to close your heart. It’s to seek healing in Christ, and to continue presenting your longings honestly before him.

I say all this because the gift of singleness is so rare. Most unmarried believers have a deep longing for marriage. Paul even calls it a burning. Look at what he says in verse 9: “if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” So what does it mean to “burn with passion”? Well, at a narrow level, it refers to sexual temptation, and Paul speaks of marriage as the proper, God-ordained remedy for that temptation. But at a broader level, I think we can fairly say that “burning” also includes the emotional struggles that come from a deep longing for companionship. It is possible to burn with loneliness.

In his commentary on this passage, John Calvin speaks of three kinds of temptation: there’s the kind of temptation that defeats you, and which draws you into disobedience. This is the worst kind of burning. Then there’s the kind of temptation that you defeat, where sin is extinguished. This is cause for thanksgiving. But then there’s a third, in-between kind of temptation, which doesn’t draw you into outright disobedience, but it leads to a sort of stalemate between you and sin. It disturbs your mind and hinders your approach to God. This is the kind of burning that Paul is referring to here. So if the Bible commands us to be content, and if singleness makes it harder for you to find contentment–well, that could be a sign that you ought to seek marriage.

However, I also recognize that it’s one thing to seek marriage, and it’s another thing to find it. And I recognize that there’s a growing number of singles in the church today who are seeking but not finding. And believe me, I know from experience how hard that is. If that’s where you are, then I would encourage you to not give up. If you have a desire for marriage, then you can affirm that as a good desire that’s worth pursuing, even if it leads to hurt and disappointment, and even if it requires waiting longer than you might like. And there are things that you can do during your season of waiting.

First and foremost, you can continue taking it to the Lord in prayer. Because when you pray with trust, one of two things is eventually going to happen: either God is going to grant you the desire of your heart, or he is going to teach you to rely more on him, so that you come to realize more deeply how much you need him above all else.

Another thing you can do is to seek out godly friends. In that regard, the church can be a great gift to you. There are other believers, both single and married, who can rejoice with you when you’re rejoicing, grieve with you when you’re grieving, guide you when you need advice, and challenge you when you develop habits or attitudes that might prevent you from finding a potential godly spouse.

Now for you married folks, let that be a challenge to you as well. I would encourage you to include singles in your circle of friends. Try to remember them, not just on special occasions, but also during the ordinary routines of the week. If you’re in the habit of doing Taco Tuesday with the family, or if you’re planning to watch a movie or play game night, think about extending an invite to a single person. It’s a simple gesture, but it can mean a lot to them. It’s being included in the ordinary, mundane rhythms of life that can help someone to feel a sense of belonging.

Now let me give a final word of encouragement to those of you who are going through a season of unwanted singleness. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any guarantees that God has a spouse in store for you. But what I can guarantee you is that your struggles will not be in vain. Christ himself says blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Likewise, the apostle Peter says that if you endure obediently through suffering, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. And although I can’t speak with any certainty about the kind of reward you’ll receive in heaven, I can tell you that if you trust in Christ through this trial, then in the end, from the perspective of eternity, you will be able to say that it was worth it, and you would not have wanted it any other way.

But the key is faithfulness. Whether you’re married or not, the duty of the Christian is the same: it’s to repent and believe the gospel. Because the form of this world is passing away, and one day we will all have to stand before the judgment seat of Christ. And from the perspective of eternity, all of the deepest and most intimate relationships we’ve had in this world will be like the blink of an eye. None of those relationships will last. In the end, there will be only one marriage, and that’s the marriage between Christ and his bride, which is the church that he purchased with his own blood. So don’t find yourself left out of that wedding feast. The deepest need that you have is the need to be forgiven of your sins, to be reconciled to God and adopted into his family. That’s why Christ came, and that’s why he died. If you receive that gift in faith, then you have a heavenly inheritance that infinitely outweighs all of your earthly struggles. So don’t miss out on that gift.